The Reality Dating Show Fear Index
Organizing reality dating shows based on how scared I'd be to participate
The landscape of reality TV is as large as it is ridiculous. For the past few decades every network and streaming service in existence has tried in one way or another to shove cameras in the faces of ordinary people and make something entertaining. In the current sea of programming there are shows for every hobby, profession, and experience you can imagine. There are spinoffs and subsets of franchises everywhere, creating tons of little universes in which characters from one show interact with those from another. The opportunities for consuming “real life” drama are endless, and yet I still need more. I am almost positive there will never be enough reality TV shows to satisfy me. Do I watch them all? Certainly not. Do I like knowing that they’re out there and watching their clips on my timeline when something happens? Absolutely. This consumption pattern is especially true for two types of reality shows—those based on competition and those based on dating. (Bonus points if it falls under both categories).
At the end of the day, this stems from the fact that I will almost definitely never appear on any of them. As some guy who died a long time ago once said: “we yearn to see worlds we will never know.” For some this means expensive Titanic-spotting voyages to the bottom of the ocean and documentaries about the Roman Empire. For me it means watching housewives in various states and countries argue about seating arrangements for charity fundraisers. But for today, we’ll pretend that I am planning to make an appearance on a TV screen near you.
So I present to you, in the spirit of hard-hitting journalism, the definitive categorization of reality TV dating shows. It is entirely based on how afraid I’d be to participate, with a FEAR (Fuck Everything And Run) rating based largely on three deciding factors: (1) how much money I stand to makes by being on the show, (2) the location of the show, and most importantly (3) how much being on the show will effect my life once filming ends. Additionally, there is the most obvious consideration—how much fun will I have while participating.
The Vanilla Tier
Vanilla is usually meant as a judgment, but in this case it is the exact opposite. These are just the options that are the least frightening to me. No twists or gimmicks, just singles looking for love. (And money.) (And fame.)
Are You The One
FEAR rating: 1/10
The money—$1 million split amongst you and your 9 cast mates—is great if you win. The location—usually Hawaii—is fun and the house is huge. By the time the show left MTV and moved networks the viewership was pretty low, and the fact that it now drops new seasons on Paramount+ isn’t going to change that. There’s the random chance you say something embarrassing or are involved in an argument I guess, but all in all I think this might be the dream reality dating show scenario. None of my future employers would care, I’d have a great shot at winning money (only 1 of the 9 seasons has ended with the cast failing to secure the prize.)
Love Island (UK, USA, and AUS)
FEAR rating: 2/10
This part of the list is a three-way tie. Love Island is far from the scariest show to find yourself on. With the way things work, I’m only coming away with money if I win the whole thing. That means convincing everyone that I am fully in love with someone I met less than 2 months ago and if you know me you know those odds aren’t great. Essentially, I’m just going on TV to spend time by a pool and make new friends. They’re also scoring equally low on the “will my life be ruined when the show ends?” scale, because the answer is most likely not. The American iteration of Love Island airs on Peacock, a network that I’ve learned most people only have so they can rewatch The Office. The only thing separating them is location, with the USA seasons filming in Fiji, the UK seasons filming in Spain, and the Australian seasons filming in who-gives-a-fuck. Fiji and Spain put the first two ahead in my mind but regardless, this show is one of the safer options by reality TV standards.
Bachelor in Paradise
FEAR rating: 3/10
Bachelor in Paradise is what Love Island would be if a majority of the cast members were able to come back every year. Every summer after a year of DM’ing and watching each other, contestants who have previously been on The Bachelor and Bachelorette show up on the beaches of Mexico and give love another shot. There is no prize and no one “wins” necessarily. The only prizes are love and the tiny bit of fame that comes when you spend the entire summer being followed around by cameras. The biggest downfall of this show to me is that being on The Bachelor/Bachelorette is a prerequisite and as we’ll discuss in a bit, that is not ideal. The second biggest downfall is that, as is the case with all Bachelor/Bachelorette shows, there is an expectation that you are willing to propose at the end of the season. Granted, most couples who do this are broken up within weeks, but to me that makes it even worse. Regardless, being on the show doesn’t seem to affect anyone’s normal lives so the negative impact is minimal.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette
FEAR rating: 5/10
I am not built to be on either side of this show. Being the bachelor and having to choose between a house full of women on national TV sounds stressful and gross to me. The only thing worse? Being one of those contestants, stuck in a house with a bunch of other guys clamoring for the chance to get ten minutes alone with the bachelorette.
That being said, my personal disdain for the show doesn’t change the facts: it’s essentially the least offensive version of a dating show you can go on right now. Everyone knows what it is, it’s been around forever, and most people don’t care that you were on it. There’s no money to be won, but in theory you’re going on the show to find love so who cares, right? And it gets you a lifetime membership to the Bachelor In Paradise club so there’s that.
Editor’s Note: This does not apply to The Golden Bachelor, the latest addition to the Bachelor cinematic universe that features elderly contestants looking for love. If you are above 60 years old then 1) thank you for reading this newsletter, and 2) I don’t think you should be afraid to do anything. Go on reality TV and have a blast, enjoy your golden years.
The Trojan Horse Tier
The only thing worse than going on a reality dating show, is going on a reality dating show and finding out that you were deceived throughout the entire casting process. That is what makes the “Trojan Horse” category so incredible. To disguise a show as something that it’s not while lying to participants is pretty fucked up, but if The Even Stevens Movie taught us anything it’s that this kind of show will always keep the people wanting more.
Perfect Match
FEAR rating: 5/10
It is the least scary of the shows in this tier, and consequently Perfect Match is also one of the worst. I won’t waste your time with a full explanation, but it’s a shortened Love Island format with Netflix reality stars who have, in one way or another, already been involved with one another. The scariest part of this experience? You’re spending a couple months forming fake connections and fueling drama just to be a player in a small reality show that no one cares about. When it comes to this particular subject my belief is that if you’re gonna do reality TV, you should at least strive to do memorable reality TV. Selling your soul for 5 minutes of fame and some magic beans is a bad trade in any situation.
Too Hot To Handle
FEAR rating: 6.5/10
One of my least favorite things about reality dating shows is when they insist on convincing you that these people, who met less than a month ago, are falling in love. Too Hot To Handle does not have this problem. In case you aren’t aware, the premise is that a handful of singles are brought onto an island under false pretenses, and once on camera they are told that every act of physical intimacy will cause money to be removed from the group’s prize pot. By the end of the season the players, who are incapable of keeping their hands off of each other, have blown a considerable amount of their money. That alone is something that if I was participating would surely piss me off. Even as a viewer it pisses me off. But what’s just as bad is that you spend the season being scolded by the host—a sentient Amazon Alexa—if you aren’t “nurturing” any “meaningful connections.” The high fear ranking is less about me being afraid of the rules and more about the fact that the other contestants would have me begging to go home by the end of week 2.
Ex on the Beach
FEAR rating: 7/10
Ex on the Beach might have the best name of all these shows. The show is also exactly what you think it is. Instagram and reality TV stars show up ready to date around before realizing that every week, one of their exes will be brought along to join the show. Frankly, it’s a nightmare. There’s no prize money, there’s not really a ton of fun to be had, and the entire thing appears to be an awful experience for all involved. No one would go on this show if they weren’t being lied to first. That is what makes this tier so terrifying and so entertaining.
Love Is Blind
FEAR rating: 8/10
Full transparency, I don’t watch Love Is Blind. Maybe I’d really enjoy it, who knows! But what I do know is that it involves three of my least favorite dating show tropes, 1) having to make a decision about getting married at the season’s conclusion, 2) not being able to see the person you’re dating until you’re coupled up, and 3) NO MONEY. Hard pass.
Milf Manor
FEAR rating: 9.5/10
The thing about this tier is that it exists solely on the strength of the idea that ambushing people with unpleasant information is fun to watch. There are no good surprises in the Trojan Horse tier of dating shows. You don’t show up to a sign that reads “surprise, everyone gets to keep their dignity this summer!” So the only real differentiator is just how upsetting the surprise will be. To me, Milf Manor is as bad a reveal as you can get. Rules about who you can kiss or having to share a big house with your ex mean nothing when put next to the idea of dating and doing overtly sexual challenges IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER. I discussed this show in a different post so I won’t go into this here, but the biggest surprise to me is just how comfortable the contestants on this show are with this twist. It leads me to believe that the participants, in one way or another, already knew what they were getting into. But as we know, everything on reality TV is real so that’s probably not the case.
The Relationship Ruiners
The name of this tier is misleading because truthfully, if you’re coming on this type of show your relationship has already been ruined. At some point dating show producers began to fear that they might run out of attractive singles hungry for camera time and they asked an obvious question: why are we limiting ourselves to singles?
The Ultimatum
FEAR rating: 13/10
The Ultimatum is a show about forcing a significant other who won’t marry you to go on television and date another person in the hopes that it will show them how much they love you. What could go wrong? The signup site for this show should automatically redirect users to resources for couples therapy. Anyone who actually does decide to get married at the end of the season should receive complimentary divorce lawyers. The entire thing is messy, unhealthy, and incredible to watch. No prize money, no cool filming destination, and all of your private dirty laundry aired out for millions to see. RUN.
Temptation Island
FEAR rating: 12/10
As I said above, if you’re going on this show the relationship is already over. Temptation Island is similar to The Ultimatum except that there are even more singles ready to steal your boyfriend/girlfriend AND you have to watch footage of whatever they decide to do when you aren’t around. Again, we need to be raising awareness for joint therapy as a concept. This cannot be any couple’s best course of action. The Ultimatum airs on Netflix and Temptation Island airs on USA so the only silver lining is that less people will watch your relationship implode on this particular program.
The “Hang Up The Phone And Leave The Casting Office” Tier
This tier is, unsurprisingly, the biggest danger zone of the dating show landscape. These shows get the least explanation because the titles should tell you everything you need to know. If for some reason, you ever find yourself auditioning for a show and are asked to participate in one of these you need to leave immediately and never look back.
Naked Attraction
FEAR rating: 15/10
If showing up naked is necessary for participation, the fear rating starts at a 10. If you are the only one who’s naked while people walk around and look at you like you’re a zoo animal, we can up that score to a 15.
90 Day Fiancé
FEAR rating: 16/10
Were you aware that there are currently four (4!) version of the show 90 Day Fiancé, along with seven spinoffs? I didn’t until I started writing this, but I did observe something wild. These are the summaries from TLC:
90 Day Fiancé—“Using a unique 90 Day Fiancé visa, overseas fiancés will travel to the US to live with their partners for the first time. Each couple will have just 90 days to decide to get married or send their international mate home.”
90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way—“Americans risk it all to move overseas for love.”
90 Day: Last Resort—“90 Day couples give their relationships one last chance at a group retreat.”
90 Day Fiancé: The Single Life—“90 Day favorites navigate their new single life and search for love.”
The additional 3 shows that I did not list are various behind the scenes/after-season programs that catch up with the participants in between shows. In case you aren’t quite getting it, there are so many versions of this show that they are filming entire relationships. Over the span of 7 shows you are essentially seeing strangers meeting each other, getting engaged, struggling through marriage, and then going back to single life post-divorce. This might actually be the only reality dating show that is selling a raw, full-circle, wire to wire documentary experience. I wouldn’t let anyone I care about go on any of these shows—or watch them for that matter—but you gotta appreciate the attention to detail I guess.
Married At First Sight
FEAR rating: 17/10
The only thing worse than a show that makes you marry someone at the end of the season? A show that makes you marry them at the beginning of the season. Yuck.
Naked And Afraid of Love
FEAR rating: 20/10
Again, starting the show with the requirement that I be naked is a non-starter. Adding in the fact that I have to survive in the wilderness and meet new people is all just too much. The show’s official description states, “Sixteen naked strangers ready to find love will strip down and bare it all in the ultimate challenge that blends survival, romance and everything in between.” *imagine me pressing a large, red, buzzer repeatedly* I’d rather smash my hand in a car door until it falls off.